The Second Horseman: Defensiveness
Recognizing Defensiveness in Marriage or Couples Counseling
Defense may win championships in sports, but it drives a wedge in a relationship when applied to couples and marriage. This is probably the horseman I see the most in my couples counseling and marriage therapy sessions. One partner starts sharing a complaint, criticism, or need, which instantly makes their partner want to put on their padding and get in the defensive line, “pre-snap” ready stance. When defensiveness is left unrecognized and untreated, it turns a simple “How has the week been?” into a heated argument or icy silence since defensiveness tries to ward off attacks of criticism in the session.
My previous blog post focused on the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse that impact and hurt marriages and relationships. This week I am going to introduce you to the second horseman defensiveness and you will leave this blog post being able to answer the questions: what exactly is defensiveness in a marriage or relationship and why is this so detrimental?
Defensiveness - what is it?
Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman define defensiveness as, “An attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence, to ward off a perceived attack.” The idea is simply this: I am not the problem, you are. Couples often respond defensively when they feel criticized, or blamed, or their partner expresses a complaint.
Typically defensiveness shows up in two forms. The first form is a “counterattack,” and the second is “whining.” Now, if you are really talented at defensiveness you may be able to do both at the same time. You are effectively paving the way for the rest of the Horsemen to come tromping into the conflict. Essentially the reverse of a “knight in shining armor.”
The Gottmans use the following example to illustrate these forms of defensiveness:
Situation: Your partner complains that you lose track of time and are often late.
Criticism: “I am really tired of you losing track of time and being late. You’re always late!”
Defensive Counter-attack: “You’re just too uptight. I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’m never that late. Besides, you were the one who was late last night.”
Defensive Innocent Victim: “I wasn’t late on purpose. You’re always picking on me. No matter when I get there, it’s never early enough. I can’t do anything right to please you.”
In the first response, the defensive partner turns the criticism back onto the criticizer. In the second response, the defensive partner whines, complains and acts as if they are the victim in this situation. We can see why this is a problem right?
Why is Defensiveness Detrimental
Defensiveness is so detrimental in relationships because it has the opposite effect of its intention. Instead of easing the conflict and “warding off the attack,” defensiveness escalates conflict by perpetuating the cycle of blame, criticism, and contempt. Defensiveness does not allow space in a relationship for validation, compromise, or problem-solving. It completely shuts down the opportunity for productive conflict management and healing.
Next week I am going to cover what we can do to address defensiveness in a relationship with a very simple, quick, and effective communication tool.
If you and/or your partner or spouse are feeling angry, frustrated, or alone in your relationship, know that there is hope for healing. Please call today for your FREE 15-minute consultation to see if I could help you through marriage therapy or couples counseling. There is no need to suffer alone any longer.
Keywords: Marriage therapy near me, couples counseling near me, Gottman Method, The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Relationship, Conflict Resolution, Conflict management
