The Antidote to Criticism in Marriage and Relationships
The Gentle Startup
The Gentle Startup is a script we use to communicate and own our feelings and needs without placing blame.
The last blog post was focused on the first Horsemen of the Apocalypse (aka the actions that will break a relationship) - criticism. As a refresher, criticism is the act of bringing up issues in a relationship in a way that focuses on the character flaws of the other person. This is different than bringing up needs or complaints. According to Dr. John Gottman, people communicating with criticism are implying something is inherently wrong with the other person and may include blame, name-calling, and general character assassination (Avoid the 4 Horsemen, p. 3).
So let us say you are in or you know of a relationship riddled with unhealthy verbal and nonverbal criticisms. How are couples supposed to turn a criticism communication pattern around? The antidote we learn in Gottman Couple’s Counseling is what we call a “Gentle Startup.”
Be warned, this communication skill may literally rock your world and change your life. It truly is a game-changer.
The Gentle Startup
The Gentle Startup is a script we use to communicate and own our feelings and needs without placing blame. Gentle Startups are communicated politely and with a patient tone (leave that sarcasm at the door). When I teach couples the gentle startup, we use a basic script to help them kindly and lovingly address their feelings while simultaneously asking their partner to change their behaviors. The script may look like this:
“I feel ____ about/when/because ______. I need _____.”
As can be seen with the script above, there are 3 key ingredients to our Gentle Startup antidote:
When we use the gentle startup we begin statements with the word “I” instead of “you” to avoid blame and take full ownership of what we feel.
We follow the emotion with a description of the situation NOT your partner.
Lastly, we end with clear and direct communication of what we need instead of what we do not want.
Again, Gentle Startups are communicated politely. Yes, we will need to dust off the “please” and “thank you.” Gentle Startups are also followed with words of appreciation and affirmation, such as noticing what your partner has done right in the past, acknowledging/thanking them for what they have done, while still stating your current need(s).
An example of criticism versus a gentle startup:
Criticism: What have you been doing all day? I asked you to do the dishes and they are still sitting in the sink.
Gentle Startup: I feel really upset because the dishes are still in the sink after asking for them to be done. I need support in housework and cleaning up after meals. I appreciated it when you did this last week, can you help again today?
The concept is simple but is much harder in practice. It takes discipline and awareness but Criticism - the first horseman - can be eliminated with this antidote.
If you and your spouse/partner are ready to start couples counseling and take on the fight against criticism in your relationship, call today for your FREE consultation at 562-353-7136 or fill out a request for consultation here.
Keywords: couples counseling, couples therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, therapy, conflict resolution, conflict management
