The Biggest Mistake Engaged Couples Make (And It Has Nothing to Do With the Wedding)
I have a slightly controversial opinion.
Many couples spend more time preparing for their wedding than they do preparing for their marriage.
Now before anyone panics, this isn't a criticism.
Weddings are meaningful.
They deserve celebration.
They're often one of the most joyful milestones in a couple's life.
But as a couples therapist, I've noticed something interesting.
The things couples spend the most time worrying about before the wedding are rarely the things that create challenges after it.
Years later, most couples aren't arguing about:
The flowers
The venue
The seating chart
The DJ
The cake
They're struggling with things like:
Communication
Conflict
Emotional intimacy
Stress
Family boundaries
Parenting
Trust
Feeling disconnected
And unfortunately, these are often the very conversations that get the least attention during engagement.
Two people holding a heart together, representing the intentional work of building a strong relationship before marriage. This image reflects themes of premarital counseling, emotional connection, communication skills, and preparing for a healthy, lasting marriage.
The Wedding Is Not the Finish Line
One of the biggest myths our culture sells is that the wedding is the destination.
The finish line.
The happily-ever-after moment.
But the truth is:
The wedding is the beginning.
Marriage is what happens afterward.
It's the ordinary days.
The stressful seasons.
The unexpected setbacks.
The moments when life gets messy.
And those moments require much more than love.
They require skills.
Love Is Important. Skills Matter Too.
Most engaged couples love each other deeply.
That's usually not the issue.
The challenge is that love alone doesn't teach people how to:
Navigate conflict
Communicate effectively
Repair after disagreements
Manage stress together
Stay emotionally connected
Balance different needs and expectations
These are skills.
And like any skill, they can be learned.
According to research from the Gottman Institute, healthy relationships aren't defined by the absence of conflict.
They're defined by how couples respond to conflict.
The strongest couples aren't those who never disagree.
They're the couples who know how to repair and reconnect.
The Question Most Couples Never Ask
During engagement, couples often ask:
What should our wedding look like?
Who should we invite?
Where should we live?
How much should we spend?
All important questions.
But there is another question I wish more couples asked:
How do we handle stress together?
Because eventually, stress shows up.
A job loss.
A move.
A difficult family situation.
Financial pressure.
A health concern.
A new baby.
Life will challenge every relationship at some point.
What matters is how partners respond when it does.
The Cost of Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Many couples avoid hard conversations during engagement because they don't want to create conflict.
That instinct is understandable.
Unfortunately, avoiding difficult topics rarely prevents problems.
It usually postpones them.
Topics that deserve attention before marriage include:
Finances
How do we approach spending?
Saving?
Debt?
Financial priorities?
According to the American Psychological Association, financial stress is one of the most common sources of relationship conflict.
Family Boundaries
How involved will extended family be?
What expectations exist?
How will decisions be made?
Children
Do we want children?
How many?
How do we imagine parenting?
Conflict Styles
What happens when one partner needs space?
What happens when one partner wants immediate resolution?
Understanding these differences can prevent years of misunderstanding.
The Gottman Principle I Wish Every Couple Knew
One of my favorite concepts from Gottman's research is the idea of turning toward bids for connection.
A bid for connection is a small attempt to connect.
It might sound like:
"Look at this."
"Can I tell you something?"
"How was your day?"
Healthy relationships are built through thousands of these moments.
Not grand gestures.
Not expensive vacations.
Not perfect communication.
Small moments of attention and responsiveness.
The couples who thrive tend to turn toward each other more often than they turn away.
An engaged couple sharing a joyful moment together, symbolizing commitment, emotional intimacy, and the importance of preparing for marriage beyond wedding planning. This image supports content about premarital counseling, relationship education, and building a strong foundation for a healthy marriage.
Why Premarital Counseling Isn't Just for Struggling Couples
Many people assume premarital counseling is for couples who are already having problems.
The opposite is often true.
Thehealthiest couples I work with are often proactive.
They want to:
Strengthen communication
Understand patterns
Build skills
Discuss difficult topics
Create a strong foundation
Premarital counseling isn't about fixing a broken relationship.
It's about investing in a healthy one.
Research from Association for Marriage and Family Therapy suggests that premarital counseling can improve relationship satisfaction and communication while helping couples address potential challenges before they become larger issues.
What Strong Couples Do Differently
Strong couples aren't perfect.
They aren't always compatible on every issue.
They don't avoid conflict.
What they do differently is this:
They stay curious.
They communicate.
They repair.
They take responsibility.
They continue learning about each other.
Andmost importantly, they recognize that relationships require intention.
Marriage Is Built Long Before the Wedding Day
The strongest marriages are not created on the wedding day.
They're built through:
Honest conversations
Shared values
Emotional safety
Trust
Communication
Mutual respect
The engagement period is one of the best opportunities to strengthen these areas.
Not because something is wrong.
Because something meaningful is beginning.
Final Thoughts From Anna Mcdonald
If you're engaged, I want you to enjoy your wedding.
Celebrate it.
Plan it.
Be excited about it.
But don't forget to prepare for the part that comes after.
The marriage.
Because years from now, the quality of your relationship won't be determined by the flowers, the menu, or the venue.
It will be shaped by the skills you bring into it every day.
And those skills are worth investing in.
Premarital Counseling and Couples Intensives in California
I provide virtual premarital counseling, couples therapy, and relationship intensives for couples throughout California.
Whether you're newly engaged, preparing for marriage, or simply wanting to strengthen your relationship before the next chapter, I'd love to support you.
Reach out to schedule a consultation and join my waitlist for upcoming availability.
Your wedding lasts a day.
Your marriage deserves a lifetime of attention.
