Sex and Marriage: Why Intimacy Is a Skill You Can Grow Together

My husband and I are celebrating seven years of marriage this weekend in Big Bear, California. Over the years, Big Bear has become one of our favorite rituals of connection—a tradition that helps us slow down, reconnect, and remember why we chose each other in the first place.

We love everything about these trips: the winding drive up the mountain, unpacking at his family’s cabin, our favorite walk around the lake, and coffee and breakfast at Thelma’s. These little rituals mean so much because they remind us of who we are together.

Views from Bertha Peak

It’s also a meaningful place for another reason—my husband proposed to me at the top of the Bertha Peak hike back in 2018. This weekend, we’re hoping to recreate that memory (if our legs can handle the climb!).

As I write this from the cabin, I’m watching sunlight stream through the pine trees, our dog Belle curled up beside me. It’s peaceful—and the perfect setting for reflection on a topic that comes up often in my work with couples: sex and intimacy.

Sex as a “Solvable Problem”

On the drive up, my husband and I were talking about the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class we’ve been co-facilitating. Last week’s topic was solvable problems, and one of the examples we discussed with couples was sexual intimacy.

It struck me how often people assume sexual difficulties are unsolvable—that if you and your partner have mismatched desires, or if intimacy feels disconnected, it’s just “how it is.”
But according to the Gottman Method, that is simply not true.

Sexual issues fall under the category of solvable problems, meaning that with curiosity, communication, and effort, couples can grow and change in this area. Sexual intimacy is not a fixed trait—it’s a skill set that can be learned, developed, and deepened over time.

That’s very much in line with what Gottman’s research has shown: great sex begins with emotional intimacy—trust, affection, and friendship form the foundation of a satisfying sexual relationship.

Of course, some sexual challenges may be influenced by medical, hormonal, or trauma-related factors. Naming intimacy as “solvable” doesn’t mean it’s simple—it means couples can approach these challenges as a team, with compassion and curiosity instead of shame.

Redefining “Sex”

During our drive, we found ourselves asking: What actually is sex?
According to the Oxford Dictionary, sex is “sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse.”

“Sex is the consensual engagement of genitalia for pleasure between at least two consenting people.”

In therapy, I use this broader, consent-focused definition not to challenge anyone’s moral beliefs, but to help couples view intimacy through a lens of mutual respect and communication.

Consent is the cornerstone—without it, it’s not sex.

sex and relationships

This definition also helps break away from narrow cultural ideas about what “counts.” So many young people, especially those raised in purity culture, grow up asking:

• “Where’s the line?”

• “Have we done it yet?”

• “Am I still a virgin if…?”

We want to teach our children that sex isn’t just about intercourse or orgasm—it’s about connection, consent, communication, and shared pleasure. It’s about creating a space where both people feel safe, seen, and respected. And that definition applies to all couples—regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation—because intimacy and emotional safety are universal human needs.

Gottman Principles that Strengthen Sexual Connection

The Gottman Method offers several tools that help couples build both emotional and physical intimacy:

• Turn Toward Each Other — Respond to your partner’s bids for connection, whether they’re emotional or physical. Small moments of responsiveness create trust and safety.

• Build Love Maps — Stay curious about your partner’s inner world. Understanding their needs, desires, and turn-ons helps maintain closeness.

• Create Shared Meaning — Develop rituals, like date nights or weekend getaways, that reinforce your sense of “us.”

• Manage Solvable Problems — Approach sexual challenges as something to explore together, not a problem to fix alone.
  

When couples work on these foundations, sexual intimacy naturally becomes deeper, more playful, and more fulfilling.

You can read more about Gottman’s research on intimacy and connection at gottman.com, which continues to shape how I approach couples therapy today.

If You’re Looking to Reignite Intimacy in Your Marriage…

You’re not alone. Many couples feel stuck when it comes to sex and connection—but the good news is, these challenges are solvable.
At Thrive Therapy & Couples Counseling, I help couples reconnect emotionally and physically using the Gottman Method, practical tools, and compassionate guidance.

💛 Ready to take the next step?
Schedule a consultation to learn how therapy can help you and your partner rebuild intimacy and joy in your relationship.

Author’s Note

This blog is intended for educational and reflective purposes only. Every couple’s experience is unique, and what works for one relationship may look different for another. My goal is to invite curiosity, compassion, and conversation—not to prescribe or replace individual therapy.