Building Trust & Transparency in the Atone Phase
Guest Blog by Liz Fernandes, AMFT — Associate Therapist at Mindful Solutions Therapy
Healing after infidelity is a process, and the Gottman Method outlines three key phases for recovery:
Atone – creating safety through honesty, accountability, and empathy.
Attune – rebuilding connection and emotional intimacy.
Attach – strengthening the relationship with new meaning, rituals, and trust.
This post focuses on the Atone Phase, which is often the most challenging and sensitive part of the journey. Here, the goal of discussing the affair is truth, transparency, and empathy — not gathering ammunition for later fights or reliving details that only deepen the wound.
1. Timeline & Scope of the Affair
These details help the injured partner understand when and how the betrayal developed.
When did the emotional or physical affair begin?
How did the first contact happen?
How often did you communicate, and how long did it last?
What forms of communication did you use (text, calls, in person)?
2. Nature of the Relationship
This uncovers the meaning and emotional investment.
What did you share with them about your life?
Did you talk about your partner or your relationship?
How did you describe your relationship to them?
Did you confide in them about personal struggles, fears, or dreams?
What needs or feelings were you getting met in that relationship?
3. Boundaries & Secrecy
Here, the focus is on how trust was broken.
Did you hide or delete messages?
Did you tell them things you wouldn’t say in front of your partner?
Were there moments you knew this had crossed into betrayal?
What steps did you take to keep it secret?
4. Current Status
These questions look toward safety and rebuilding trust.
Have you ended all contact with the other person?
If you saw them again, how would you handle it?
What boundaries are you willing to put in place so this doesn’t happen again?
Are there situations we need to avoid for a while?
“Out of Bounds” Questions
Not every question helps with healing. While the injured partner’s questions are always valid, certain ones can increase trauma without increasing clarity. Questions are most helpful when they:
Aim for clarity, not punishment.
Focus on facts and meaning, not unnecessary detail.
Are answered with openness, patience, and empathy — even if repeated.
Some examples of unhelpful questions include:
Explicit sexual detail (for physical affairs).
Word-for-word replay of conversations (unless clarifying is necessary).
Comparisons: “Were they prettier/smarter/more interesting than me?”
Anything that ranks the injured partner against the affair partner.
The Bigger Picture
Transparency and accountability build the foundation for true healing. The Atone Phase isn’t about interrogating or reliving every painful detail — it’s about creating a safe space for truth-telling, empathy, and rebuilding trust.
👉 If you and your partner are ready to take the next step in repairing your relationship, we’d love to support you. Reach out today for support via our contact page.
